Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
