i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he had hair everywhere except his balls
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
