I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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