i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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