he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
