Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
