Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
