My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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