he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize