jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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