I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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