I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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