I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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