My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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