After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
