It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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