my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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