he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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