no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.