This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug