Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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