our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
