I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
