I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
