The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
