Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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