Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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