I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
