your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself