I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.