You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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