you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The uberlube is also flammable
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
