he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B