dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.