Who did Billy Mays play for?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03