when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Mom said you looked used
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
