I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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