I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
