We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
