apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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