Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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