never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
