I want to have your abortion
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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