Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FUCK WHALES
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
