oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
