my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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