my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
