im six kinds of drunk right now
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
