My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
