went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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