if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
