Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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