i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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