I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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