If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hippo gnu deer
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
