New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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