a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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