Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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