turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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