i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
